Essentials to Intimate Relationships: The 4 T’s

June 30, 2015

#1 Time

I have to be honest. Maybe it’s me, but sometimes we men have to “think” (I mean really think!) about how to relate to our friends and lovers. It’s like sometimes we need a script, a manual, a playbook or some new app to help us along our relational map.

Let’s face it! The necessary skills, patience and suavity often don’t come naturally to us. A long time ago I asked my wife to literally write down things that helped her to feel loved. She wrote down a page and a half! How come I couldn’t get it?

Well, I believe I have learned a lot since those days. And I’ve tried to practice a lot with those around me.

A few years ago I wrote an article entitled, 12 MUSTS for a Long-Term Intimate Relationship, where I outlined the twelve most important features that I believe must be in a relationship for it to be successful. This article is the first of four that will break it down even more (yes, we need the “bottom line”, on occasion).

people on clock

The first of the 4 T’s necessary for your successful relationship is Time. You might be thinking in your brilliant analytical mind, that you already give her your time, i.e. you do things for her, play with the kids, listen to her (usually) when she may be upset, etc. These are all great things. But the essence of

Time together is that you engage with each other.

Engaging with each other means that you do something with each other that’s provocative, arousing, stimulating and/or connecting. It may be in the form of reading a book together, or having a question you both answer and non-judgmentally discuss each night for five minutes, or play a game together, or go for a walk together. If you sincerely said to her, “Honey, I don’t care what we do. But I just want to enjoy time with you,” that might genuinely blow her mind! And, consequently, she may find you to be the most adorable man in the world!

Time. You don’t have much of it! But you do have some. Make what you do have precious and provocative. Make it steamy and stimulating. However you spend your time together, make it real for both of you.

Time is the first of the 4 T’s. Be looking for the second T next month. And be sure to write me back with comments, or call me with questions. I look forward to hearing from you!

Kevin Barwick, LCPC

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